MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
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finally
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
this is uni
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.