Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
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My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Goodnight 🐶
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.