My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
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Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Comparing yourself to others
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I bet birds love this building.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.