i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Pandas 🐼🖤
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
an airline just for babies.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I hate when that happens.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.