you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
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During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
all bases covered
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.