“A little help here, Danny?”
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.