pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
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Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
#TopTip
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you