Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
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My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.