Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra