Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
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Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined