You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
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People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”