*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
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I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.