*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Doctors texting each other.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews