Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
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The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
San Francisco has too many rules
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.