I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
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Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.