*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet