movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
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Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
absolute chaos
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]