ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
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MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.