I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
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[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I hope Alan is OK
This is me
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.