If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
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Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.