ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
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Does it…does it take 3 days
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
🤣could you imagine
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.