Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
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date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
😎 🍻
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.