Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
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Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong