🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
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Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?