If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
You Might Also Like
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.