[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
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I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Breaking news:
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.