I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
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Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
my fav colour is also hitler
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!