Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
You Might Also Like
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…