12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
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Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
That took me a moment.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.