Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
You Might Also Like
BaD BoY!!
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy