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Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.