the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
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I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
new wife guy just dropped
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?