Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
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emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
⛄️
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!