one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
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Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
pizza
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.