Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.