The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
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You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Sorry not sorry.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
So creative 😂
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing