I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.