Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
You Might Also Like
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
“Wait, let me explain..”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.