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I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
This is I, Robot all over again
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?