*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.