Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
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My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
idk what he going thru but i feel him
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes