10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.