Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Breaking news:
We decided to have money instead of children.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.