Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
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Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up