“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
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Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Most fashion shows these days…
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.