TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
called in thicc to work this morning
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.