Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
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Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now