God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
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What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.