H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
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Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.