There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
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You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep